I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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