I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
