I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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