The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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