Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
