I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
