i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
