Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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