There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
