I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize