why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
