i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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