Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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