Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
