Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
