im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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