I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
