So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize