Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so let's talk penis.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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