You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
