I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
