I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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