I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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