Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
