You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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