i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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