hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize