What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
