I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
