If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
