The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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