her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im six kinds of drunk right now
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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