The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
