I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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