You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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