they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
