Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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