He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
