Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize