Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
