If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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