I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
