I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I did not marry a roomba.
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