i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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