My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize