I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize