Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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