I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
