I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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