May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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