Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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