I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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