new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize