Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
