Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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