so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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