I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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