Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
