Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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