I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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