I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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